Dnubirom .....reverof dna dne eht tilnu won

:: Dnubirom .....reverof dna dne eht tilnu won ::

As you wish...

Natalie Portman, Ziyi Zhang, BoA Kwon, Maggie Q equals nine

I try not to look for the good in any situation.
That way I find I'm not disappointed by anyone.
- BATMAN

what is said now isn't always meant to be forever
ideally, Encalab .....learrus s'taht won
what was Cinyc .....Msimissep fo tnih a \w,
Tsilaer .....Noisserpxe fo yaw a no more
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[::..link to the past..::]

:: Saturday, October 26, 2002 ::

OK.... soo DANG! WTF? freakin' A-HOLES! took me a while to choose a name now.....
vvhatevers.. so like...... Others have started blogs, y don't i?......... I never thought i would be doing this(*farrrrrrt) 'scuse me... "Isn't it your turn to say what's on your mind?" ~ that's what it said when i first entered here.... so i thought.... "ahh hell y not?"so i never thought i would be doing this... but in the state of feelings i am in now, i SUPPOSE i should write it out....... dang, it stinks....... ok, before i get to the state of feelings......
I'm BATMA17(pronounced BATMAN)....... i am... really... I'm in pain right now because of a constant..... a constant barrage of attacks at me....... or produced by me?.... what's wierd, is i live in a fantasy world..... i won't elaborate....i promise to u, the reader, that i won't delete anything... i'll just add and add,.... i hope this is a remedy so...... happydayz.... think happy..... helps..... but..........it's not helping me recover to my full extent........ Recently, i'm takin' this ROP class with these peeps....... i gave that up... or i'm stalling with it because of the attacks......... I'm a realist.... how can i say i'm a realist once i said i live in a fantasy world..... i'm a realist cuz i try to be fair....... think positive and negative..........outcomes, results, over-analyze.... that can be a weakness of me.... last week Thur. the 17th, i learned that some view me as a perfectionist.... i guess i am..... especially my work... filming, and editting.....school has no purpose for me anymore..... SATs degrades a person...... no matter if they did good or not..... those who do good most likely spent lots of money on reviews and crap like that just for a single day test..
BAH! i want to say more but i can't type as fast as i think..... u can argue with me these points when u see me i guess, if it bothers u that much........ so! i'm just babbling.... i was hoping i would babble so i can just get out what i'm sayin'g..... so i'm saying that i'm just doing this so i can let out the feelings i am in as of now, as it has been since Thur. the 17th.........
so i'm in this ROP class..... i put that on hold.... i got to josephs to be verbal support.... but i CAN'T do the job well due to IT.....ok
let me get me a book, i wrote lil stuff, i'll write what i wrote and hopefully elaborate on it.....
I have these writings in this book that i wrote a couple days ago.....they'll be in quotes....:
" DEPRESSION " --that's underlined
then "PRE " --with lines marked towards -->
" Thur. -Accept offer(set up) " --Now, Thur. night.... the 17th i get this phone call......
gosh, i'm gettin' hungry... anyway Thur. 17th i accepted this offer to help my friend (sister's bf's cousin)'s spanish film project.... hmmmm
well, i'm good at film and editting... i'm not an expert, but i will get there..... i've had this project earlier in the year, my first film short HOODWINK.... it's not bad since it was my first time..... so she asks me to help film it, that's all and give advice.....i accept
" Sat.-Offer Commenced(set up) " --So Sat. afternoon, my eldest sister(i have 2 older sisters 21,23; i'm 17(no 17 doesn't mean the 17 in my SN, i've had this SN since like 7th grade or somethin'....) so i ask my sister to borrow some money($20) for the tapes to film with... i didn't have any tapes to use(i like keeping the tapes i film, it's my peeve.....it's a history of what i helped worked on and filmed) she gets stressed out A LOT, she DRIVES A LOT and all this other crap she has to put up with..... well, yeah, sux for her, but ........ so i buy the tapes at the store, and she wants her money back cuz it's her lunch money..... she tells me to get money back from the girls, from what i understood.. there's some form of miscommunication..all i thought of was ' fine, i'll get ur money back'.... so i get and pay the tapes.... (I am in no interest of money..., i just need money to buy tapes.. so like if u want me to film anythin' i'll help u out, just give me money for tapes... no profit for me, the only reason i would ask for money would be for FOOOOOOOOOOD(i'm not goin' to die of bad eating habits, i'm goin' to die of stress.... .....wanna know the level of 'expertise' i'm in? i'm filming the PCN and makin' some sort of Documentary/memories kind of thing.... long process, will be worth it, will be really worth it if i get out of this feelings i'm in)so i go to my friend's house and then her friend's house and we commence shooting... but first planning.. out of the few projects i've worked on.... IT TAKES TIME... NO PLANNING=CHAOS so i try and warn them.... i get money from one of them soo......they try and film it and plan it along the way,which is ok and stuff, but i knew it would've takin' half the night to finish filming and we had till 10PM, it was already 8:30ish..... i didn't want to take control and be bossy, ya'know? it's a project, it should be fun(all things should be fun, it can be fun, but it's how u do it and stuff and stuff to have fun and work at the same time) i didn't wanna be shady and tell them hey, stop screwin' around and get to work.... i didn't care..... it's not that i didn't care it's just i wanted them to have fun while doing the project, which it was.... it was funnn......so we don't finish and i get creeped out from the story of The RING blah blah blah....... I go home for the night, and on the way home i give my sis $10.... 5 from me, 5 from my friend(4 in this spanish group;St. Joes- 3 juniors, 1 sophmore)( i dont' know y i'm tellin u this, maybe just to give u an idea of who these peeps r) the other 3 would pay later in the week..
" BATTLE " first off, after like 20 min. of typing and since my last 'post/save' everything i written from here on out got deleted. WHY?!?!?!? DEPRESSION and because this book fell on the keyboard and deleted it... all of it so depressing, anger anger, sadness----==-- must continue writing, it MAY be my remedy...
continuing.....
" BATTLE " -- the word has a line that goes to:
" Sun. -The talk; limited Power; Turndown; Cussed out; Turned Down (Suprise Attack) " -- After goin' to church (*YAAWNNNN- i yawned cuz i just did, not because of church HONEST!) and comin' home to eat lunch, my sister gets a call from her BF. He's trippin' , that's what i thought when my sister relayed the message to me..... she said that he was wonderin' y I would charge the girls $20 just for one tape($20=4 medium quality tapes) when all they needed was one.... i wasn't charging them, i was just tryin' to get money back for my sister... and besides i'm doin' them the favor or doin' the task of filming and editting it.... what's 4 dollars among all of them?(maybe a lot but i wouldn't have known) vvhatever.. it was pretty much debating of the money issue..the BF is wonderin' y his cousin and her friends have to pay... my sister is NOW thinkin' the same thing.. i'm like, hey u wanted ur money back, i'm just doing that......so my sister and I raise our voices and she gets stressed out... she's about to leave to her BF's house..(the BF just moved back in with his cousin and her mom), as she was out the door, my mom heard all the ruckus and told her to come back inside..... my sister continues to walk, she has the tendency to ignore what everyone says...... so my mom catches her before she enters the car..... my mom wants to know what what's the problem between us.... so my mom, my eldest sister, my other sister, and i talk..... ........ Result: Mom: Pays my sister back her money, and tells me that I CANNOT FILM ANYTHING ANYMORE... limiting my powers... my source, my energy, she wants me to bring my grade back up(I got my first F and i'm proud of it... i got all the letters of the grading alphabet..... I WILL bring my grades back up... it takes time, so until then, she won't let me film or help OTHERS... i'll give her the grades she wants, but final Report Cards only happen 4 times a year.... so i can't wait.... this just brings me down... depressed... DEPRESSED to the eternity DEGREE.... so, i have encountered a new enemy.... DEPRESSION... (DEPRESSION is to BATMA17, as BANE is to BATMAN....... Bane weakened BATMAN before attacking him, thus breakin BATMAN's back.. and destroying his moral...)DEPRESSION set me up and Suprised Attacked me.... (well, i like BATMAN cuz he earned his strength... out of all he's been through he's still a mortal, and still kicks anal!!!) so my mom limits me... my eldest sister: gets her money from my mom, since i dont' have a job and can't pay her back and my only funds is really from my mom... she leaves gives the 5 back to my her bf's cousin..... and so that's that... My other Sister: she thinks i shouldn't have takin' the offer in the first place.... she also believes that my eldest sister didn't explain to me well on the money issue, who should pay who... which i agree, because then this wouldn't have happened, i suppose...... j: i'm depressed and my powers are gone and i have nothin'.... i fight back, but to no avail.....i go to my room and go online and i IM my friend saying that i can't help her with her group project anymore..... she's bummed(i think), i'm bummed..... then my mom comes in and ask about how it came to this... and right then i get IMed and cussed out by my friend's cousin, my sis's bf(his comp. and her cousin's comp. are side by side).. so i'm like.. dammit, i could show it to my mom, but this incident should pass,,.... so i save his dignity by just minimizing the box and putting up an away message... my mom asks what happened and i explain her the story... after doing so, she doesn't care and doesn't let me do anythin' still.. she leaves.....i read what he put up and he cussed me out....(i have it saved on my comp., but i can't put it up here...) he basically says WTF? this is BS u said u would help her and now ur backing out... ur ungreatful(ungrateful) no appreciation..... he leaves and comes back saying i wanna hear what u say ... i say somethin' like ... stop blaming and stop makin' enemies.... and then he says BS... his next line..' if u wanted money u shoudl ' then he nothin'... then he signs off.... that made me feel bad, but i would think he didn't know the whole story( YEAH YEAH, some of u who take initiative would've cussed him out, but i thought about it and said, nah... too depressed, it's a small thing.....it'll pass) so yeah, he cussed me out and left..... and after saving it and rereading his convo. and the convo. with his cuz... it was just a total downer (i was thinkin' of sayin' that like a ... with an accent or somethin' total downer... vvhateber)
" Attacks Cont. "-- this pertains everything since then.... (i know i'm writing a lot, but maybe this will be the only entry i'll post up...) this is a remedy ... i hope......
" Mon. - Stupid Move; Bat Comp. Crash (After effects) " --So monday was no school(21st)..... i went with my depressed business and i thought it sucked about yesterday and i was gettin' better. I wanted a zip drive in my computer so i called my mom if she had an extra external one at work.... she did and brought it home....i tried to install it... simple disc in disc out...(disk or disc? whatever) so when i tried to restart the computer..... it wont' get passed the start up page... with the blue bar it won't go all the way to the end and it just stays there. i can't even get to the Username/Password screen.. That's a bummer too...... so since then i've been in the family comp. with mom sayin ENOUGH, go to sleep....... shiznets......*ahem
" Tue. - Limited Power; fight back (weak)=(lost) " -- so i lost everything the day before, all the multiple projects i've been working on... music video.. BraveVision.... and other projects... all lost or.. just not able to access it...... in the morning i was a total crap gettin' ready for school... my mom saw this and asked what's wrong... i answered honestly and she said that's a dumb reason to feel sad.... cuz of school and being limited..... she said i brought this upon myself... did i? if i did my HW and gotten at least a C grade would it have been different, if no one suggested my friend to me and she didn't call me up for the offer... if i didn't accept the offer.... if my sis's bf didn't put ideas in my sis's head on y am I CHARGING the group $20...... weak.... the BARRAGE of ATTACKS CONTINUE....
" Wed. - No BATCAPE still; little help; hope " -- i've been lookin' for my Batcape for quite sometime and i miss it... i wanted to used as a costume for this memorization thing we had to do for class... extra credit for some sort of costume, i could use it..... so i ask my mom where it was again... she didn't like the tone of voice i was using so we argue and she says it's gone and she lost it... and i'm like y u gotta lie?... just tell me where it is, or where u think it is and i'll look for it myself.... no help from her.... (just writing this arouses my anger and hate again)...... (must think: no HATE, just FUN.....) lil things r just messin' with me now...... Depression......( i forgot what else to say.....DANG IT!)
" Thur. - Forgetfulness; lightsaber(source)lost; Hides near me; in me. " so i practiced my line really well, and i had it all down, with my lightsaber, on account of not having my BATMAN cape.....(i've had that cape since i was six) ... so i go to school and forget the lightsaber at home...... it was next to my back pack all ready to go..... now in class, when i felt confident enough to recite it, i forget and just pace the room and CRAP...... some of u know what a fool i acted... i felt bad... but i tried to not let it get me down....
" Intimidation; False Hope; pain..... sad, glad, happy, HAPPY, DEPRESSION..... "-- Later that night was a district show....... (longbeachdistrict.com) at LBCC.... they played much later than they were scheduled too.. whoops... so before they were goin' up, 3 ladies talk about what movies they worked on... they showed a montage(clips of movies) of it... Collateral Damage, Eyes Wide Shut, 40 Days and 40 nights...(i think one of the ladies was the actress who played the prostitute hitting on Tom Cruise in EWS..(y did abbreviate that?)..... anyway.... i was a little nervous goin' up there to talk to them, initially, cuz the band i promoted wanted me to give them each CDs and tell them that the singer wanted to talk to them after they play... one of them was some music person, i guess.... so i had to capture their attention somehow.... so i thought and thought..... i knew i wouldn't be able to talk to them during the show cuz then it would've been too loud.... and also, they wanted me to film the (2-song) show.... so, i thought of a way to get their attention... i jumped over this bench and i let my foot fall back so it could hit the back of the seat and trip.. and so i fell flat on the floor... my right leg and arm as cushion..... so i get their attention and tell them what the singer wanted me to tell them,...then i was goin' to state my business, sayin' how i'm interested in film too and stuff and if there's any internships at the place they work..... they said some inspiring things before i went up to them......but then the host gives them the mic.. so i'm like uh oh gotta get off the stage now.... so i go away stupidly with arms flailing.. adrenaline? or stupidity? (DEPRESSION &/or the JOKESTER?)(Jokester is just a thing that makes me go overboard with the funniness.... annoyance or unintended insult....) anyway,....... so when they finished their talk, the band was about to play so i got the camera and filmed them and hoped that the ladies would stay.. one did stay, but wasn't interested with anythin', the other 2 left...... so all this while my mom is callin' me and my middle sister's cell phone,... i keep mine on silent.... so i get in trouble for goin' out a thursday night.... when the band's set was supposed to end by 6, it ended at 8:30.. so now, pain grows in my right knee and right wrist....(i limped since then and it still hurts now) so i got home around 9 and i expected an arguement but i would've been whatever.... but nope, my mom gave me the silent treatment.... it was better that way.... so like ok..... at least she's doin' one good thing by not arguing and raising our voices again... i think my dad talked to her, so that was kewl.....(dang, i wanted to apply an appointment for a driving test yesterday (friday) but i didn't, fell asleep,.... oh vvell)
I wrote all those things in quotes in that book thursday night..... other things on there r "Saddened, Disgruntled, D.somethin' ,......To defeat it, I must forget/ignore it. Killing me. Dying. Kill me. Cry;, Anger, lost, It's preparing me, isn't it? Ungrateful? Can't Ignore Can't Forget Can't WIN Can't Overcome Losing. It's All Inside.. EM NI RELLIK A" .....(*stretching)
a part of my friend's band lyrics:" Mistakes all made, pushed u away. So far away.... ... Searching for my remedy. "
I've put some away messages pertaining to DEPRESSION, but i added and added and it couldn't hold that much info. so it delted.. now it says: DEPRESSION continues in the depths of my thoughts and in the fathoms of my body..... This is really a never ending battle:-( (so errr.. yesterday was friday......) no real lost there, i guess. I tried to help my friend with editting... i didn't succeed...., i took a nap and missed to call the DMV....... i stopped goin' to ROP classes, i stopped being Verbal Support at St. Joes......(after a long silence) ok so...... one more thing :-P
with DEPRESSION comes regrets, with regrets comes low self-esteem, Low self-esteem comes no initiative, no initiative.....

alrighty... so... also, i'm sad that i don't have my Senior Seminar tape that i recorded, i had to give it up because it was a private matter. i added some stuff to the Constitution of Brave Vision..... i will get my tape back.. i will be happy again...... happy dayz, cabron!!!!!
I SHALL RETURN
ok..... so hmmm i feel better(*deep breath) i guess. ummm hands r tired..... and this is my blog.... Sat. morning..... Oct. 26, 2002.


c-ya:-)


-j

:: j 4:03 AM [+] ::
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