:: Dnubirom .....reverof dna dne eht tilnu won ::

:: Tuesday, September 09, 2003 ::

ya'know... this "philisophical" ways of mine interrupts my "real" life work... ya'know wha ah mea?... shItzer... i want to elaborate but i'm trying to pull myself away from this comp... *sigh again... i'm not happy what i'm doing, i won't be happy whatever i decide to do... i know there's peeps out there that college JUST isn't for them... but not me... like if i could survive high school, i can handle college... but now, MAYBE, i'm one of those peeps that say college JUST isn't for them... shoots-in-a-mythologies... y am i still here? i should be doing this report... i skipped school just to do the dang report... but no, i had fun... hmmm... just because it feels good doesn't mean it is good... :-/ gotta find a way to make it work out... gotta find a way to work it out... but times not with me... if times not with me, i'll have to punch through the scolding... but i gotta plan it out... once i'm done with the scolding, i gotta make up the pain and suffering i've caused to others... mainly my parents, cuz they'll think i'm not going anywhere... which is STARTING to be true... so before i stop what i'm doing now (or not)... i gots to know what i got to do... I AM SO NOT CLEAR ON MY MINDSET RIGHT NOW... i'm f---ed and u know what??? f--- a grade... *scratch neck... freak it... freak it all... but am i ignoring a problem, or setting a guidline for myself to pass an obstacle to reach a goal... dammit... pharmacy school... they'll think i'm a quitter... but i WANT to think of it as... GOING TO SOMETHING BETTER FOR MYSELF... but they won't understand now,... and i can't prove my ways until the end... the end where i prove them all wrong, or just freaked my anal... *scratch head... *rubs neck... :-( tears to the max... but not... *sigh... dammit!!! what is this crap???... hmmm started with 8th grade algebra... wait wait... dont' wanna elaborate on that until i have time to think it though, cuz i might do this dang report... o my goodness i'm getting a scolding later today... *makes fists with both hands... STELLAAAA!!! haha jk jk... ummmm ... i'm not happy now... okokok... let's set what is given... i'm not happy now... and it seems as though vvhatever i do choose, i won't be happy then... *rubs mouth... medical isn't really my thing... y did i lose interest in FILM??? hmmm... where do i go to talk to someone??? get my foot in the door... what door??? i dont' know where to put it in the first place... my mouth??? blegh the after taste to the starbucks... *opens another starbucks and drinks... *washes hands... hmmm... ya'know??? wait, what was i thinking... shoot, i forgot...o yeah!!!... i wanna be insane... HONEST... i dont' wanna know what i'm doing... cuz then i can blame myself, but because i don't know what the heck is going on, i can't blame myself... others will, but it's not me... i'm insane... dammit, but i'm not... shoot i had other thoughts too... what were they??? i, personally, PLAN... always plan plan plan to better myself... schedule myself... but what did george jung say?... making up a master plan in life will make u miss life or somethin' like that?... o and a bronx tale... the saddest thing in life is wasted talant... was film my talant?... i dont' know... i lost interest yes, but i never lost it completely... i still have an... haha an eternal flame in me for it... i just need to add some... propane to light it up... higher... and higher!!!... muahhahhahha okokok... but there was a better quote in a bronx tale that i likes... o wait, but it doesn't really pertain to this situation... : u just gotta accept people who they are... *nods head... nods head to the max... but that's a somewhat different story... i'm talkin' about my financial future... yeah i dont' like mixing certain things... for example... home and work... business and pleasure... friends and family... i like it for what they are now... seperate... they're all unique cuz i have at least one to go to if there's trouble in the other... ya'know???... either way... i'm focusing more ont he business and pleasure... i want my financial job to be pleasurable... challenging, i guess... but like... am i afraid to take up the challenge? no... but i'm afraid of failing... but i'll fail either way since i'm NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT... just thinking... just thinking... *sigh... thinking is the first step, my friends... action will take place afterwards... or vvhatever noel said... yeah... ummm so when's the action goin' to take place, eh?... in time, my friend, in time... vvell, i hope it's soon, cuz things dont' look so good... from everyone's POV/perspective... things'll come when they come... until then think of the now... it is NOW... what the freaks-in-a-mythologies... sorry if it's not a psych lecture bloggamagig... but yeah... i dont' know y i'm typing here... but it soothes me in a sense... gettin' my feelings out... yeah,... u wanna know what i'm feeling? read my blog, u don't have to ask me and i don't have to copy paste everything and stuff and stuff and everything else that i'm thinkin' but not fast enought to TYPE... OK!!!... ... ... ... ummmm... i need an extended vacation... wahwahwah... it sux to hear that... cuz like when u hear someone has an extended vaca... somethin' is wrong... and u know what??? i have to make use of the vacation... find out what i like to do... wow... i'm feeling excited... i just got off my seat and like... wiggled my hands cuz like i have a brainstorm... jsut like every other thought and PLAN... but we'll see if it goes through... doubtful to the max but i gotta think!!!... hmmm... maybe when i'm done i'll give this to my mom... so she can read it... HONEST... gotta find my muse... an adventure *looks out in a adventurous way... ... i've always wanted to get myself into shape... but that means growing up... meaning... no more late nights... but freak... okokok dont' think like that... *burp... 'scuse'muah... i'll start excercsing... yeah, yeah... i'll start with physical... then mental... then spiritual... or should i start spiritual... vvhatever gotta start somewhere... let's think of the brawns... and while working on the brawns, i'll work on what to do about the mental... then when i'm mental... haha... then when i'mma be satisfied with both aspects... my spiritualness would work... i'm wastin' my parents money on this school thing anyway... so i might as well make myself useful around the house now... become my nanay and clean... yeah, yeah... learn how to clean... actually do chores around this here house... or not... maybe to learn how to cook... :-P... HONEST... in the past, before goin' to high school... i wanted to take a cooking class, workshop class, and automobile class ya'know??? to get the basics of plumbing problems, house problems, car problems... my dad can teach me some of those stuff too, but usually when he works on the car at the house... i don't wanna watch him work... i dont' know y... wierd eh, i think so too... hmmm... shoot now i'm thinkin' of being well-rounded... it sounds kewl, but not... it's kewl cuz i'll be well rounded, it's not cuz i'm just TALKING ABOUT IT AND NOT DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT!??!?!?! AHHHH YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY... waaaaaaaaaahhhhrgg *scratch head... yeah i wanted those types of classes at my school... mainly cuz when (now IF) i get a place of my own, i can take care of myself... and the education i learn is worth learning... household stuff... but what's the use of learning that if i can't get my own household stuff... *scratches head... okokokok... i guess the school system assumed i'll learn these household stuff at home... hmmm maybe that's true... waste of class time... humph... dang... gotta get the child when they're younger... yeah, i'm a spoiled lazy anal... aND I DON'T wanna BE!!!... yeah i wash the dishes and i used to vaccuum the carpets... but the glasses... dont' drink from the glasses if i washed it... just add water and u'll see the soap.... u know what the soap is??? yeah... the .... the thing... what's that word... ahh the soap... ya'know??? yeah... guess id idn't wash it too well... *shrug... more like if u can't see the grime, there is no crime...???... eh, just cuz u can't see it doesn't mean it's not there... <~~ wahwahwah get it???... dang double negatives... yeah... the english language is freaked up now... more like miscommunication... like if someone asks... "so r u not goin' to do it?" the other person replies "yes" or "no"... but like is the person saying "yes, i'm not" or "yes, i am"... or "no, i'm not" or ?no i am"? mix up the questions, mix up the answers... and we'll all be conPused still... *sigh... okokok ... thinkin' about education factors... ummmm gettin way off track... wahwahwah... i'm goin' to school yeah... they'll ask me what's goin' on... y make up BS answers??? i'll tell them... i'm a lazy anal... i won't say i'll do it later... it'll buy me more time, but most likely i won't do it... JUST LIKE NOW!!! y not stop wasting everyone's time on me!!???! honest... just stop spending on me... cut off everything... if i don't do anything, i shouldn't be receiving anything right??? and... sad to say it, and be hard on meself... but gotta stop... just gotta stop... everything stop... work slow... SLOW??? YES SLOW... if that's the way it's goni' to FINISH satisfyingly then so be it... my own pace??? i dont' know... but if it's too slow for others... it MIGHT BE just right for me... but i'm afraid of making a complete stop... i dotn' wanna stop... i dont' wanna work either... what is that psych term??? cognative dissonance??? ... shoot, let me get me book and find the exact term... yeah, that's the right work... Cognitive Dissonance: The uncomfortable feeling that arises when a person experiences contradictory or conflicting thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, or feelings. okokok... haha Cognitive Preparation: the strategy in which the person mentally rehearses possible outcomes.... shooooot... okokok... this is what i'm expecting later today... Cognitive Appraisal: The interpretation of an event that helps to determine its stress impact.... pfff if i only spend as much time on my school work... (not Homework blegh...) just as i spend my time on studying the psychological minds of meself and others... :-/ *shrug... money sux... yeah... okokok... gotta make a stand... AGAIN... but this time it HAS to work... i mean... shooot... don't be hard on me... but hard on me... ya'know??? i know what i gotta do, and u telling me... well yeah, guilt trip and all making my esteem lower OR fuel it... i don't know... but I DO KNOW WHAT i have to do... i just NEED TO DO IT... so like... yeah... help me... don't lecture me... aide me... i don't know... time... time isn't on everybody's side... and it's now kewl to the max... it's kewl to the min. if i ask peep to put their time on me... cuz y'aknow... i might waste their time too... so can't do that... they have stuff on their minds too... gotta do it... I gotta do it... dammit... AHHHHHHHHH what am i doing???... i want to change... people don't see it now... but i have to change so people will SEE IT LATER... but where to start... an opportunity will arise right? *determined face... *anxiety face... maybe it was meant to be that i'm a failure... it a FATE sense... like destined to be... sux i know... but like... if i try to be successful... in a way i don't like it... i won't like it... but i'll like being able to succeed... but can't the whole trip of being successful be fun??? no? dang sux a bunch... yeah, yeah... other aspects i wanted to say... i'm not cynical, or pessimistic, nor optimistic... maybe more of a dream right now... a dream to make meself better... but i'm still a realist KNOWING that i fi dont' do anything i'm failing... but i guess that's pessimistic.l..pffff... soo much typed... and stuf and stuff... but yeah... money ... the world is ... money make sthe world go around... i can be a minority and not go along with the flow... few would understand, but will i be satisfied... so far... all my educational decisions haven't been uplifting... so maybe i should jsut stop it... not stop completely... maybe make it dorment... be one of those old adults people u see in classes in colleges... maybe i'll be like one of them... *nods head... it's not bad, maybe they needed the break... at least they're changing... hopefully, most of them didn't regret taking that break... maybe... ya'know??? a lil bit of everything... fast learners... slow learners... each having regrets and no regrets... hmmm ... is that luck??? chance/?? like that bible story parable things... the seeds... Some seeds laid in good soil, the rest bad soil and other misc. soil... and blah stuff... okokok bible stuff... okokokko ummmmm what m i doing now??? what am i going to do???... let's go back ot he past... dont' linger in the past???... well the past is where it started... or i can't change the past??? make it up for the future... today will be the past, and it's not goin' to be a good day... grrr to the max... i know I KNOW STOP SCOLDING... MAYBE IT IS GOOD FOR ME... BUT I'M SCOLDING MYSELF ALREADY... JSUT CUZ I'M SCOLDING DOESN'T MEAN TO FEEL SYMPATHETIC FOR ME EITHER!!! DON'T SCOLD; DON'T BE SYMPATHETIC... TRUST ME??? trust me... yes trust me... trust me... gotta grust me... i mean trust me... trust me... and know.. wait *vent... 'scuse'muah... trust me... trust me... og... gotta g... gotta trust me... i can do it... NIcorette can help... tough actin' tinactin... wasted talant? what's my talant... i like being the oddball of the family... lets' keep it that way... whether THEY see me accomplished or not... i dont' have to worry about it tooo much... right??? can't i be selfish??? yeah... here's my selfish way... i'll tell u... i don't... i won't care what u think about my actions... yeah... yeah... i won't care what u think of me... i'll be thinking of u... i wont' get in ur way right?... i'll try not to... and i'll ask help if i need it... right???... u'll be there for me??? hopefully u won't be busy... but yeah... can't think about what u think about me... just like that one quote from steevesarobot... let me bust that out real quick... wahwahwah: Steeeves A Robot profile: The moment that you start worrying about what others will think about you because of what you do or how you act is the moment you give up on yourself. To worry about other people's thoughts is a suicide wish in and of itself. Stress will come with worrying which will lead to false identities and therefore leading to people not realizing their full potential in how great and wonderful they can be. false identities??? nah, i am who i am... and i dont' care what they think of me... so i gotta not care what they think of me on my Puture decisions... it's for my own good... all u others rn't invovled.. at least i try not to get u'all involved... oh wasted money.... I'm SORRY... save it... I DON'T WANT TO WASTE ANYMORE... I'LL ASK WHAT I NEED, AND RIGHT NOW, I DON'T WANT NOR NEED THIS... :-(.... SAD YEAH... BUT IT'S SADDER THAT I'M NOT LIKING IT TO THE MAX... I DID IT SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE I'M DOING ANYTHING... IT'S WORSE THAT I'M DOING IT, BUT NOT PRODUCING LIKEABLE RESULTS... SO I MIGHT AS WELL STOP... THINK AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN... UNTIL I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING... IF TIME ISN'T ON MY SIDE THEN LEAVE IT... I'LL TAKE MY TIME... MY TIME... YEAH... IT'S MY TIME... NOT TIME ITSELF... AND THAT'S IT... REGRET... I ALREADY HAVE MUCH REGRET NOW... ALTHOUGH I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD... BUT YEAH... I'M NOT A QUITTER, IT'S THROWING IN THE TOWEL... Y GO INTO THE RING NOT PREPARED... I'M NOT PREPARED... HELP ME PREPARE... DON'T MAKE ME FOREVER UNPREPARED... GOTTA BE PREPARED,... YEAH... UMMMM STOP IT ALL NOW... I'LL MOVE ON... I KNOW I CAN... TIME IS WHAT I NEED... AND U DONT' LIKE MY TIME... I DONT' WANT TO CARE WHAT U THINK... I'LL TRY NOT TO CARE TOO MUCH OF WHAT U THINK, CUZ I GOTTA CARE ABOUT MYSELF FIRST... GOTTA HELP MYSELF BEFORE HELPING OTHERS... YEAH... YEAH... I'M SO FREAKED UP TODAY... BUT IT SHALL GET BETTER... *scratches neck... U MAY SEE ME AT MY LOW POINT AND NEVER SEE ME AGAIN... U MAY SEE ME AT MY LOW POINT AND FOREVER SEE ME AT MY LOW POINT EVER AGAIN... BUT THOSE WHO SEE ME IN THE FUTURE... I'LL CHANGE... EVERYBODY CAN, BUT WHO DOES??? I WILL DO IT... GOTTA THINK POSITIVE... ALL RIGHT... ALL TYPE/TALK/WRITE... I'LL SHOW U... U MAY NOT SEE ME NOW CHANGING, BUT I AM DAMMIT... I GOTTA... BELIEVE IN ME...FAITH... TRUST... UNITE US... UNITES US!!! (haha... sorry a lil BRAVEHEART in me... but that sux... cuz like he gets betrayed... there wasn't trust... vvell freak it... he died... u think it ended there??? just cuz he died doesn't mean it ended... *nods head ... yeah, yeah... KNOW THIS... IT'S EITHER I'M THE FIRST TO DIE, OR THE LAST TO DIE... BUT BEFORE I DO... I'LL START SOMETHING... :-J *GRINS... I'M AN INSTIGATOR RENENDER??? *SCRATCHES NECK... SO YEAH... I WONT' SAY WHAT I'LL START FIRST EVEN THOUGH I ALREADY HAVE THOUGHTS IN MY MIND... MAYBE IT WAS JUST THE SUMMER THAT'S Y ... YEAH... EVERYONE IS AVAILABLE IN THE SUMMER AND I WANNA HANG OUT WITH THEM... BUT SINCE EVERYONE IS AT SCHOOL AND GETTING THEIR EDUCATION WHICH IS THUMBS UP TO THE MAX... OR THEY HAVE JOBS... I WILL NOT... WILL NOT BE BORED AND BE A BUM AND NOT BE UNPREDUCTIVE I'LL MAKE USE OF MY TIME... I SHALL... I WILL DAMMIT... TRUST ME... I'M SO NOT HAPPY NOW... BUT THIS ... THIS ME HERE RIGHT NOW... SAYING I'LL CHANGE IS GIVING ME INSPIRATION... LET ME RIDE THIS INSPIRATION PLEASE!!! I CAN DO IT... I MAY NOT BE DOING SOMETHING OUT THERE IN THE WORLD NOW, BUT I'M DOING SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF NOW... SURE SURE, IT SOUNDS LIKES IT'S NOT A BIG THING TO U... BUT IT'S ME.... IT'S MY pov... WAIT... I DONT' CARE WHAT U THINK HAHHAHAHA... YEAH!!! *INHALE... YEAH... *EXHALE... I'LL PRINT THIS OUT... MAKE COPIES IF U WANT... REMIND ME... REMIND ME AND ANNOY ME (FOR THE GOOD)... I CAN DO IT... COME ON DAMMIT I CAN DO IT... talk to me later... but trust that i'm doing the right thing, ya'know??? it may seem like i'm static at home, but i'm changing... and and and... ummm yeah, ur all mad at me now... but shooot can't worry about it... gotta change... it'll be proven in the end... yeah... the now may hurt... but as long as its good in the end... 'a means to an end'? sure... *nods head... SLOWLY... and i stress slowly... but SURELY... and i also stress SURELY... i'll make a big impact... good or bad we'll see... but i'm goin' to do this... u can't force me to do somethin' i'm not up to... i can't force myself to do something i don't like... i'm not forcing myself ... so yeah... let's just leave me be... leave me be in a sense that i'll be productive my own way... what way??? it's a suprise... for everyone... a big shabang... something like... something nah i wont' say it... trust me... ya'know??? dont' look in the trunk... :-P :-? dang it, JEN!!!... oh vvell... dang it DOMINIC!!! for sitting in trunk... wahwahwah... smile on my face cuz the future is bright, the present is gloomy, and the past... vvhatever it's in the past... pssh... so let me make things right for myself... and let's start off with putting up a punching bag... fickle i am, but determined also...


c-ya:-)


-j

:: j 4:11 AM [+] ::
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