:: Dnubirom .....reverof dna dne eht tilnu won ::As you wish...Natalie Portman, Ziyi Zhang, BoA Kwon, Maggie Q equals nine I try not to look for the good in any situation. That way I find I'm not disappointed by anyone. - BATMAN what is said now isn't always meant to be forever ideally, Encalab .....learrus s'taht won what was Cinyc .....Msimissep fo tnih a \w, Tsilaer .....Noisserpxe fo yaw a no more | |
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:: Wednesday, December 03, 2003 :: i want to finish those videos but i can't seem to bring myself to it... literally, my whole day isss... :-/ unproductive... eat, computer, TV, movies... my sleeping habits r not stable... i sleep a few hours at a time at different times a day... i don't wanna go back to school, but i know i should... it's goin' to make me do something... i dont' excercise... although my tummy has gotten flatter... i eat more or less... (pizza every week)... i mean... i eat too much or too little? i can't really tell... hmm odd... there's nothing on TV... nothing online... i want to finish the videogames... Final Fantasy VII, X, X-2, Kingdom Hearts, and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, but i don't even feel like playing it... i can't bring myself to do anything, unless they're simple buttons, on and off... click click click... turn nob, ding... chew... extract, intake... but nothing else... driving has become scary... i'm more and more daydreaming... i can't do it literally... i mean it's right there... i have MORE than enough time (obviously), but i can't... what is restricting me? now that i dont' understand... i know what's wrong, i know what to do... but i don't do it, why?... it's odd to the max really... it's not death, it's not over a girl, it's not health, it's not anything... this 'learned laziness' has really affected me... learned laziness - receiving awards without work... but honestly... rewards nor consequences will effect me... which is good in a sense... force me to do it, i'd do it, but not well as i'd like it to be... i'm afraid of failing others yeah, but then i'd just go into hiding... *shrug... there's no reward or consequence for me to do anything... i just wish i would be able to do something... it's sad... i have all that is needed to work... but i don't do it... simple as that... i don't work... afraid? fear?... i dont' wanna say i'm bored, cuz then i should do something aboot it... i mean... i'm bored when i don't have anything to do... but i do have something to do, so i'm not bored, but i dont' wanna do it, but i do, but can't bring myself to do it... i'm on the f---in' computer where i could finish these vids... but no... the living room is clear and i could play those video games, but no... there's books i could read, but no... am i dying?... haha... arghh... music isn't doing anything good either... i'm not mad for rage... i'm not sulking to brood... i'm nothing... freakin' A... i'm not goin' to do well in school... even IF i have just one class... i probably won't even do the work... cuz if it's 'too hard' i'll say freak it; do it later... 'too easy'... i'll still do it later... my goodness, what have i become... i know what i am, this is the first time i'm writing this out... typing this out... i'm hungry... yet i dont' wanna eat... this morning... i was hungry, and my internal (sh-- i can't remember simple words or math or anything anymore)... internal... DIGESTIVE (that's the word!!!) functions were whack... i mean.. my stomach sorta hurt, but not as bad as i've felt it before... but i just kept goin' back and forth to the bathroom... but i'm fine and all... but dang... what's happening... this sux a bunch... yeah, it's easier said than done... all i have to do is double click that icon, or turn on the power... and use my brain and think of complex things and to get my work done... but i can't... i only seem to work on complex things when there's no credit to it?... kinda... right? no?... not too sure on that... but somethin' is wrong... i'd like it to go away or be solved so i can be productive... but it doesn't seem like it will.. i'm me, u can't change that... i act weird and those of u who say be urself... well, believe it, that is me... this is me... or that is them... hmmm... schizophrenia, my sister has been telling me things she's learned... people literally hear voices, but don't know where it's coming from... paranormal stuff... i Want it to happen to me, but when it's like a moment for it, i freak out and pray it doesn't happen... what a pussy... haha... like right now... i could look behind me or mirror, outside or anything... power goes off... i faint... dream, nightmare... and something 'kewl' happens to me... but i know if it does, i'll freak out... and so i hope it doesn't happen... but then... it's a good thing, cuz it's something i can't actually control, but it turns out i could... or not... :-P... ever thought aboot what would happen when u die?... what would people say or think?... and then after a while... everyone goes on with their life... can't remember everyone... things go on... i want to be crazy... i just dont' wanna know... cuz then i'd get scared and be what r u talkin' aboot?... but then i want to be crazy cuz then... i won't be accountable for my actions, but i will, though i won't know i actually did it... hmmm... schizophrenia... kewl/scary to have... hmmm... i was tellin' a friend... whenever i've thrown a punch, i hesitate before the impact... i've thrown a few... but just when my fist hits it's living destination, i hestate and my fist goes soft and i try to retract my arm, but it's too late... the damage (if any) is done... and then she said "well, that's because ur such a nice guy..." and i thought... yeah i am... i suppose... but yeah, my mind ain't that nice... think of the worse things and ur not thinkin' like my mind... y am i typing this?... heck if i were to tell anyone, and something does happen... then that person can be a witness to my karazy talk... heck, this blog can be evidence.. . but doesn't a number of people, not everyone, think like this... they dont' necessarily tell everyone cuz they dont' think it 25/8... where ami gettin' at... o h yeah... i'm a lazy anal
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