:: Dnubirom .....reverof dna dne eht tilnu won ::

:: Wednesday, April 21, 2004 ::

i have a morbid mind...

so many thoughts, i only hope to express it all here

y is it that i feel so sleepy when it pertains to any sort of work? then when i say screw it, i wake up... yeah, 5 years ago, 8th grade, i've had trouble with Algebra HW... my mom suggested that i sleep and wake up in the middle of th night, do it, go back to sleep... it worked... but then i got lazier and lazier... freshman and sophomore year i did all my homework late night/early morning before the suns shined... junior year, i always did every single assignment the day it's due... senior year, it got to the point where i didn't do any assignments... and yet i pass the class... i shouldn't be here... what am i doing here?... is there a purpose?
should teachers lower standards for students?... this isn't the core of the problem

i'm sullen

i paralyze myself on purpose... i have a goal, i want the goal, but i don't do it... y? afraid of the outcome whether it be good or not... afraid of failure = low self esteem, afraid of success = gotta keep the responsibility up... don't wanna up my standards...

my mind is so sick and disturbing i do not want to say what i've thought... cuz it's not true... i get disgusted of what i think up... and yet i understand the pleasure it gives... scurry...to the max... i dont' like it, but i do, but it's o so not kewl... i'm afraid of cracking up, become insane... if i do, let me say beforehand that i'm sorry, and that i probably led myself to do it... i don't want to feel when/if i do the things i'll do to hurt...

my mind hurts, but it's not in pain

my sister said that i like to have power... cuz i'm influential whenever i talk (help) people... but i say, well they don't have to listen to me, but i make sense don't i? or not... rn't we all power hungry?... if we wanted something all the time, wouldn't we be savages and get what we want... no thoughts contradicting... but my thoughts contradict... but does it contradict too much?... i have no limit

i don't want to feel... but then what's the point? when should u follow emotions and feelings? ... reminds me of what Vandal Savage said in Justice League: "Gotta keep urself busy, or else the mind will go crazy." ... i can't (won't?) keep myself busy... i mean it when i say: "i like thinking"... gotta think... through and through

for a time, i didn't think of this... i read the article inside the Kill Bill Vol. 1 DVD... my mind left this bad place and just read the article... nothing of it...

i believe there is a difference between good, bad and right, wrong... i had the words to explain it, but now i don't know what to think

in the show 24 last sunday... The Bad Guy (Saunders) ordered the Good Guys (The President, CTU, and Jack) to kill a fellow companion... reminded me of Mr. Mesta's class... he gave a story in which it talks about the life of a man... it was a type of story where the reader (or the majority of the class) chooses which path to take)... the Man's life (an emporor or leader) goes through so many trials... one trial was... if u want peace in this world for hundreds of years, kill this one baby... or he was accused and all he had to do was do thing one (bad) thing, then he'd be set free... well, the class chose to not do those bad things... in the end... when the man died of age, there was peace in the world forever...otherwise, if he gave into one of those trials, yeah, there'd be peace... but it would end... Back to 24... they had to kill a fellow ally (Ryan Chapelle) or else Saunders would release a deadly virus into the "innocent" population of a major US city... ... .... secrets ... conspiracies... hmmm... anyway... so Jack killed Ryan cuz time ran out... and so, the good guyz bought more time for the people of the US of A... kinda disturbs me... killing one life to save all the rest... hiding fear; preventing panic... just like the movie SWORDFISH... there was one conversation in the movie that i couldn't really understand, but i suppose i get the idea... it's when Hugh Jackman talks to John Travolta in the bus John says asks, "if u wanted peace in the world, all u have to do is kill one person, would u do it?" ... hugh repllies, "no, but what's the point if u kill one person... y not 10, y not 100, ynot 1000?" something like that... and then John agrees with him, "exactly"... making things worse than it should be... making up the worse case of scenerios so that when the real bad scenerio happens, our emotions r degraded to the thought, "it coulda been worse"

but still, my mind is disturbing... into the future unknown... i'm afraid... more emotions than it is... i'm a vicarious learner... i don't know almost anything first hand... yet it makes sense... i feel the pain... it hurts... i understand... yet in the end of the day... tomorrow is just another day... i guess i'll have to stick to "what was said at the time was meant for THAT time... right now is a different time"... i guess this is the mind at work... odd, how i feel better... even if thoughts r still there or not being thought of... i do believe the bad outweighs the good... but take an apathy pill on the bad, and the good is alllll good, baby;-P... hehheheh... still not in the mood to do HW

i had a morbid mind


c-ya:-)


-j

:: j 1:18 AM [+] ::
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