:: Dnubirom .....reverof dna dne eht tilnu won ::

:: Tuesday, July 20, 2004 ::

Went to BJs and when i first got there, i remembered the last time i was there... It was the night of the last showing of OOTI (Once on this Island)... the night Chris came to me...
It was after the show and i was getting anxious to get everyone's address so i can send them their tapes... anyhoo... all the guests were leaving, i said "seatbelts" and all... cast, crew, and friends were inside... i stayed out on the bench and Chris stayed with me... First thing i ask, "y r u out here? don't u wanna be inside?"... his response... "nah, i don't feel like it"... "what's up? what's wrong?"... he explained how he felt he had a hard time with socializing with others... sure, he has friends, but he couldn't but feel how others described him... Annoying... ... hm, unfortunate for that... can u blame ignorance?... if a person acts the way they r because it is who they r... and others perceive it as annoying, isn't that unfortunate?... acting nothing else but urself and being described as annoying... alright... well, solution... if u catch urself talking too much, simply just quiet down... take-a-tizzy, ya'know? alright, he got the point... hm, the thing i remember the most as he was explaining... "it's like... i want to be like you, BATMA17. ya'know? ur kewl and all, everyone knows u. ur popular, ya'know?" ... flattering, that made me think for a second... i responded with... "hm, well... dont' wish to be anyone else but urself... because no matter who a person is, they always have their own set of problems..."... and he's wrong, not everyone knows me... i dont' consider myself popular... people know my name, but that's it... it's easy to remember... i like it like that... it's a name to remember when trouble is needed, i'm happy he came to me... i 'lectured' and explained just as i would with any other person would come to me... i said my "from all bad comes good" quote... and he was listening, good, BUT the feeling towards him was that i was afraid of an aftermath... he kept saying, "ur right ur right... that makes sense"... i was afraid of that... i was afraid that he was listening and he would put himself down harder... i told him, just go with the flow and catch ur own 'annoyance' which others would consider annoying... dont' scold urself, just be vvhatevers about it... don't think about it TOO much... i even told him to not think about what i said... i knew what was going to happen that night he went to bed... he was going to think about what i said and he's goin' to hype himself up about how he's goin' to be a better person... and ultimately as dayz go by, not much change would have happened... so, i kept reiterating, don't think TOO much about it... i dont' know whether he did think about it a lot or not...
then we talked about his prom and how he was undecided... heck, i didn't go to my prom... but i knew he wanted to go, he told me who he wanted to go with... i told him... try it and expect a no... for if u receive a no, ur ready for it... if it's a yes, u'll be happier than if u were expecting a yes... anyhoo... the group went to BJs...
at BJs, goin' around the different tables, observing everyone and all... as we were seated, i noticed how he was 'annoying' to others... and ahhh, ic ic... that's y... some of his actions were tolerable, but everyone has there tolerant limits... i grabbed him by the arm, and all i said was "kewl it down a bit, kewl it down a bit..." and he said "ohhhhh ohh o k... alright alright, i gotchu..." so i'm like kewl... and then i ... grabbed another person by the arm and said... "kewl it on the PDA"... for all u couples out there, when u go out with friends who r single, it kills them on the inside... it twists and tightens and splatters the insides... so, as a tip to the couples who go out with the single friends... kewl it on the PDA... anyhoo, i didn't know if that person knew what i was talking about... but oh well... didn't wanna go into specifics since we were just walking past each other... *sigh... months go by, he'd IM me about other dilemmas and i'd treat him like i treat everyone else... so i didn't foresee what he would do to himself weeks ago... i remember everything and i would type it out, but this is all about BJs...
i also remember that other actor from OOTI... i assume he's gay, but i could be wrong; no hate; nothing wrong... he walked home alone and he even refused to get a ride with anyone else including me... i hope everything works out with him... *scratches head...
i read blogs, xangas, and journals about chris... and he is a good guy, just didn't work well with change... it was, as i call it, post-graduate phase... where a newly graduate feels like everything is at a loss, especially with friends... it's the summer, not everyone is hanging out everyday and by college time u lose touch... it's more of a paranoia... i think that got to him also... i was reading one journal where the girl would stay after choir practice alone after school... he voluntarily stayed with that girl until her ride came... even if he did have a car, he wouldn't go home yet... no one should stay alone... i'd like to think, i hope, that he got that from me... cuz after PCN practice i would stay until all the participants left... those were our first conversations... he'd be done with tennis and i'd be chillaxin' outside... he didn't have a car or license yet either, but that's when we'd talk in person... he's waitin' for his ride, just as i am waiting for everyone else to get their rides... heheheh... he wanted to be like me... that quote just keeps spinning in my mind since... then...
 
i guess i had the feeling to write this all down since i just ate at BJs...
that's all
*pounds chest and gangsta hand signals

to my first confirmed casualty
 
that's all

*edit - 9-27-04 5:36PM:
It can be said that a person derserves what they bring upon themself.
Godspeed, if there is a God, Chris
Hang tight, man... (pfff, Crude humor in my part...)
i'll see u in purgatory, or not not not
.sorry to those who were offended.

can i help it if i think it's funny when ur mad
trying hard not to smile when u feel bad
i'm the kind of guy that laughs in a funeral
can't understand what i mean, but u soon will
(r those the right lyrics?)
 
 
c-ya:-)
 
 
-j

:: j 3:56 PM [+] ::
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