:: Dnubirom .....reverof dna dne eht tilnu won ::

:: Thursday, February 03, 2005 ::

maybe blogging will help...
so... in Approx. 8 hours my Final Draft of the first of five essays are due... all 5 essays must be turned in to receive a C-grade... 3 or more absenses in the class could get me dropped... i've already missed 2 classes. one of which includes the rough draft and peer editing due date :-/... no late papers accepted...
the purpose of the essay: What is my realization? and how did it change my way of thinking?
i have some that come to mind...
making goals, accomplish, repeat
post-graduation syndrome
the hero walk
motivation
society sucks
i don't know... none seems to be elaborate enough for me to work with...
well, i realize i don't want to repeat english 105... i want to get it over with, but i need to go over it first, ya'know?... i realize i'm growing up and soon i'll have to grow up... well, i am growing up... but i don't wanna grow up... life is complicated...
to go on with life... i mustn't think about it, but just do it...? or not...
maybe i shouldn't be blogging... or not... what is my realization?
uhhhh... how about when i realized when i'm not as white as i thought i was... or how i never had many friends at my old school... well, i did, but when i look back ... i comparingly had less friends than others... but they were suffice, but i feel bad that i was... ignorant... which isn't bad... i appreciate my friends... but i w... don't know... *shrug :-/

my family loves me
my friends love me
but no one loves me

so left beind and far ahead...
i'm out of time

who wants to go to knotts? i have these discount coupons for up to 6 tickets... ahh vvhatever the freakever

what is my realization?
ignorance is bliss... *_*... could i write my essay on that?
i really only have Approx. 5 1/2 hours to write the essay cuz i gotta go to school and i have class at 8-9:30... and the english class is 9:30 :-/
*groooOOan

my ideas... i feel i could write about it, but not in more than 2-3 paragraphs... hmmm... of course... it doesn't need to be 5 paragraphs... just 500 words... which probably isn't bad... heck, can't i just copy paste my blog? if i organize it i'll probably have less than 500 words... but if i do have more than 500 words, it's probably just sentences i'm reiterating! it's 2AM now...
i liked the way my eng 809 teacher made us brainstorm... just write 15 min. straight about the topic nonstop... after that... just reorganize the paper! and poof u got an essay! well, i'm sorta kinda tryin' to do that now... but it's not working!

well, let's see...

a couple nights ago i snuck into my old school's playground. things were unburied and i was bothered... thinking in a third person point of view, i thought i shouldn't be trouble about it at all... what a waste of time... i could be doing productive things... so i thought i'd get out of the house 2 at night and just walk the relatively empty streets and walk to my school. i walked around the parking lot thinkign... i want to go on the swings... and i didn't wanna go to the park... it's a bit farther... so i looked around front of the school gate... read the no trespassing sign... and i figured i could easily jump over the gate it really is not that hard... BUT (does this essay be plausible to convict me of trespassing?) haha trespassing... it's a catholic school BUT it's doors r shut... private school, sure but catholic none the less... sometimes u can't just have faith, u gotta have something in front of you and see it... isn't that we have sacred symbols and other such icons??? having bars in front of a church and school i grow up makes it an oxymoron... anyway... i understand... society's protection... back to what i was saying... BUT i was afraid there were sensors on the gate itself :-/ soooo i went to the side of the gym... nothing there... and looky here... there's a ragged old towel over the barbed wire... and the barbed wire is stretched out and lowered making it easy access... so i was hesitant sure... but come on... i really wanted to go on the swings... i wanted to go on the swings, get that rush of going up and down, back and forth... and at the same time, think of the troubles of the present and unfinished business... meditate, if you will. *rubs eyes. so i got over the first gate... took me awhile too cuz i was scurred that i'd make too much noise... i got over that blah blah blah... i don't feel like doing details but if this brainstorm works, i might as well ya'know?... so i go over the first one... then over a second one which i was suprised to see... but just as easy and difficult as the first... so after the first 2 barricades i came across the 4-8th grade tables... hey! new tables... childhood memories and such... looked at the sandpits and saw what was moved and what new equipment they installed the year right after we graduated... noticed what old slides and monkey bars were removed... i get to the swings and the swings used to face the street but now they face the school... new swings too... i start swings... moo har har! i triumph... the goal was uneasy at first but that's cuz of my own emotions and feeligns... so i got caught?... would the truth suffice my captors? i wanted to swing... and dangit i did... i went on and got the rush... i put an alarm clock for about 4 o'clock so i could get home before my parents woke up ... and i started thinking... not even 2 minutes and my mood was only better cuz i got to the swings... the things that bothered me didn't change, they were going to stay the same anyway... i could 'just deal with it' ... easier said than done... the tiems i don't worry about it is when i'm not thinking about it... i look up at the sky... there is no sky... there's space and the stars shining so bright light years away... i'm actually looking at nothing... cuz it is nothing... i can't really grasp hold of it... it's air... i could see through it... it's a far away black was i can't touch...then society in general irks me again... that's a whole other story... same with religion...
then came this... something new... nothing great but significant... i remembered an episode of the Justice League... and Vandel Savage says "gotta keep busy or else the mind goes crazy" *siiiigh maybe i am going crazy... i do love to think and i highly prefer it over taking action... y i don't take action i dont' know... laziness?... fear of [something]? who knows. if only i put as much thought of planning my ideas into taking action then i'd be more productive and such... no, i'm stuck at preproduction... i've set up a goal... and that was to go to the swings... and swing for hours... that didn't happen... i got tired of it easily... not from boredom... but, it's not going anywhere... i ahve to leave my childhood... when a writer writes, does the words he use to describe things he writes about meant to be symbolic? or did he just write it just because... well, here's something symbolic... as i slowly walked out of the playground i needed to leave my childhood unless i succumb and be stuck in it forever... time doesn't wait, it's true... life isn't a game u can just reset... i needed a goal... once i reached it... then what?... nothing... i have to keep going... that's just the way it is. i suppose. i supposed until i have another 'epiphany'. i have to keep making goals and finishing them off to keep on rollin' with life... i left the playground in less than half the time it took me to get in... "gotta keep busy or else the mind goes crazy"

now, just to organize what the heck i wrote...


c-ya:-)


-j

:: j 1:45 AM [+] ::
...